And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
