I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
