September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
How does one acquire holy water?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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