The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
