Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
