I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
