can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
