I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
