Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
