i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
