my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
