Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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