This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Randomize
