I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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