Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
