I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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