things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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