Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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