if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
