you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
