Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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