Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
