I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
