Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Randomize
