That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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