I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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