I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
