if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
