Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
