You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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