I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Did I show you my penis last night?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
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