Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
