I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just took my morning after pill in the library
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
