I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Randomize
