I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
