How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
