Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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