The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
