Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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