my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
