I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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