my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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