weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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