I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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