You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
