We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
