So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
