fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
