That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
