but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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