dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
