i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Is it penis luge time yet?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Randomize
