just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
