wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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