Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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